[ he was really kind of hoping for a firmer answer from jeff here, but in hindsight he should've known better. the chances of getting something definite either way without pushing are pretty slim, and david doesn't want to push. he just wants to know what he's doing. is there something here or not? is he imagining the vibe here? ]
[ his frown is brief, mostly just one of thought while he thinks about what jeff said and decides that's just going to have to do. reaches out to put a hand on jeff's arm and give it a squeeze. ]
[ brief or not, jeff catches that frown, and though it might not necessarily be directed at him, all it does is fuel the feeling that there's some kind of miscommunication here. whether it's on his end or david's is hard to tell, and jeff doesn't want to make things weird or uncomfortable by prying too much. but it sits like an itch under the skin.
when david squeezes his arm, jeff responds with a small, tight-lipped smile, just as brief as david's frown. he shakes his head again, taking his hands out of his pockets because he feels like his body language might contradict with his reply. ]
Don't be. I'm not - freaked out. [ that's the truth, even if it doesn't seem like it. he's not freaked out, he's just... incredibly unsure about a lot of things. not about david, not really, just about whether he navigated this whole thing wrong, unsure if he's maybe been being a little too... assertive? which is kind of a wild thing to think about, because he's not really the assertive type.
all of that being said though, jeff pauses for a few long seconds, looks like he's thinking a little too serious about something, and then he just— ] Sorry, can we - start this conversation over?
[ and if he winces a little, it's just because he's self-aware of how ungraceful and abrupt that probably was. ]
Edited (it's me i'm the idiot) 2023-01-28 04:55 (UTC)
[ david lets his grip lax, but he keeps his hand on jeff's arm. he doesn't often see him off-kilter like this any more, and it makes him worry a little that he's mistepped a little, asked something he shouldn't have or backed him into a corner somehow. ]
[ or maybe it's just that jeff isn't exactly the talkative type, and david's asking him for a lot of that right now. not just to talk, but it's not exactly a simple and easy topic, no matter how much david might act like it is. ]
[ either way, he looks up to meet jeff's eyes, patient and listening, mostly to see if he's going to speak first or if david should go. ]
[ honestly, jeff doesn't want to have to be the one to have to speak first, but he's the one who asked if they could start this conversation over, so he recognizes that the ball is more or less in his court. it takes him a few long seconds to try and pull his thoughts into something a little more coherent, something that's hopefully a little more clear, though, if not direct. either way, david's hand lingering on his arm makes him feel at least a little bit grounded.
he plays the start of the conversation back in his head, when david had put himself in jeff's way so they could talk, brows pinched together a little as he tries to work out what he wants to say. ]
Shit. All right, uh. What... [ he wets his lips. ] What exactly were you asking me? You said you need to know so you're not 'you know', but. I don't... know.
[ really, that's maybe the part that's confusing him the most right now, though he's plenty confused about the rest of everything else too, really. despite posing david with a question, jeff presses forward and doesn't leave much space for him to answer right away. he drags his hand down over his beard and a little bit down his neck, another one of his subtler anxious ticks. it's not david that makes him anxious, but the possibility of saying the wrong thing. he already feels like he's fumbled once, he doesn't want to screw up twice. ]
To be, uh. Clear. I guess. I've never really done the casual thing. [ which isn't to say that he hasn't tried, it's just that it's not really him. jeff's too soft and sentimental when it comes to the people he allows himself to get close to, both romantically and platonically. and he would say he and david are decently close. he'd have said the same if asked before he got trapped under some mistletoe, too. he clears his throat quietly. ] I like - this.
[ he makes a small gesture back and forth between himself and david. ]
I, uh. Like where we are. So far. [ even if they've definitely skipped over some things and landed maybe a little ahead of themselves, like david said. he lowers his voice slightly, vaguely conscious of the possibility of being eavesdropped on. ] I like you. But if this is all a little too much, or uh. Too fast? I don't have a problem with slowing down or backing off, if that's... what you were wanting to know.
[ why does it feel like he's said absolutely nothing and gotten absolutely nowhere? christ. ]
[ that's more helpful than jeff thinks, gives david a clearer idea of where jeff's head is at. he nods as he listens to him, watches him with some sympathy in his expression for jeff's little anxious tics, for the way he clearly isn't comfortable having to articulate himself — david might be better at it, but he gets it too. ]
I just wanted to make sure we're on the same page. [ a little absently, he reaches up with his free hand and tucks some of jeff's hair back while he's looking at him, smile a bit more genuine than before, small as it is. ] I wasn't asking for casual or wanting to slow down, I just--
[ he frowns suddenly, purses his lips for a moment trying to find the right way to describe it. he's a little slower when he continues, more deliberate as if he's not fully sure of what he's about to say until the words are out of his mouth, which is less like him than people might think. ]
I don't wanna get invested in something and have it be one-sided because you're not interested in that and I didn't know. That's all it was.
[ for the second time in less than five minutes, jeff feels like a little bit of an idiot - but in a way that's funny in hindsight, rather than stressful. he's not typically the kind of person to let himself spiral over minor things - and he wouldn't say he'd started to spiral here, either, not really - but when it comes to important things, he likes to get them right. he wants whatever he's doing with david to be... right. and for a moment, he'd gotten ahead of himself, thought too hard about what david was asking and maybe went a little too worst-case-scenario for a minute. assumed he was doing something wrong, or was maybe asking for too much or assuming there was something more here than there actually was.
the clarification here is a welcome relief, eases whatever anxiety was clinging to him. it's almost kind of funny, when david lays it all out. that he thinks at all that jeff might not be interested or - or invested is almost laughable, maybe only to jeff. he was telling the truth earlier, when he admitted to being attracted to david, but in david's defense, up until... the mistletoe incident, jeff had made a point of keeping any feelings he may have been developing toward david to himself. burying them in quick sketches and folded pages, in small, easily dismissed gestures - like lending him his jacket after springing him free from the saloon, or setting aside a scavenged beer for him while he was sleeping, so he wouldn't miss out. so it's not david's fault if there are some doubts, and jeff doesn't blame him.
as amusing as it is, though, jeff doesn't laugh. instead, he smiles faintly, feeling a little more reassured, and reaches out only somewhat hesitantly to touch his fingers to david's side. lets them drift a little so he can hook his index in one of his belt loops and give it a gentle little tug, not with any intention to pull david closer, but just out of a desire to be physically connected to him in some way. jeff shakes his head slightly, that ghost of a smile still lingering. ]
It's not one-sided. [ he thought that much was obvious. ] I am interested. [ he gives david's belt loop another light little tug. ] Invested.
Okay. [ he smiles, at first it's just in his eyes, bright and warm when he looks at jeff, and then he nods and it widens into a grin. ] Okay, yeah. Good.
[ for a moment he just feels overwhelmed (in a good way) by the verbal confirmation, he lets his hand trail down the outside of jeff's arm to find his hand and take it to give it a quick squeeze. so they're on the same page, they're just also idiots. that's fine by david, he can handle being a dumbass. it's another moment that has him feeling a bit like some dumb teenager, but david can live with that too. ]
[ there's a thread of anxiety there too, but that's for later, when he's on his own. he doesn't want to sour the moment by freaking out over whether or not he's gonna ruin this somehow. instead he glances back over his shoulder and moves to step away so they can get moving again. ]
[ there's something about david's eyes that jeff has always liked, but he likes them best when david is smiling, how they seem to shine a little more, crinkle just a little bit near the corners. it makes jeff smile too as he looks at him, not quite as wide but just as genuine.
when david squeezes his hand, jeff adjusts his own slightly so he can squeeze back, thumb doing a quick pass over his knuckles. it would appear that they're on the same page more than they know, because jeff knows he'll overthink this at some point when he's got time to himself. he knows he'll get in his head, wonder what he's doing to do to fuck up. it's not that his track record when it comes to relationships is bad, and he can't even really say for sure that whatever he's got with david is considered a relationship yet, if at all, but it's - important to him. david is important to him, regardless of their involvement with each other. it would be just his luck to see it all come crashing down.
but that's later's to-do list. for now, jeff watches david as he looks over his shoulder, watches him as he starts to step away. follows after him so he doesn't get too far without him, shoulder bumping his. ]
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hardlydead) wrote2021-11-01 05:44 am
no subject
[ his frown is brief, mostly just one of thought while he thinks about what jeff said and decides that's just going to have to do. reaches out to put a hand on jeff's arm and give it a squeeze. ]
Sorry-- Didn't mean to freak you out or anything.
i hate these idiots
when david squeezes his arm, jeff responds with a small, tight-lipped smile, just as brief as david's frown. he shakes his head again, taking his hands out of his pockets because he feels like his body language might contradict with his reply. ]
Don't be. I'm not - freaked out. [ that's the truth, even if it doesn't seem like it. he's not freaked out, he's just... incredibly unsure about a lot of things. not about david, not really, just about whether he navigated this whole thing wrong, unsure if he's maybe been being a little too... assertive? which is kind of a wild thing to think about, because he's not really the assertive type.
all of that being said though, jeff pauses for a few long seconds, looks like he's thinking a little too serious about something, and then he just— ] Sorry, can we - start this conversation over?
[ and if he winces a little, it's just because he's self-aware of how ungraceful and abrupt that probably was. ]
leave them alone they're doing their best
[ david lets his grip lax, but he keeps his hand on jeff's arm. he doesn't often see him off-kilter like this any more, and it makes him worry a little that he's mistepped a little, asked something he shouldn't have or backed him into a corner somehow. ]
[ or maybe it's just that jeff isn't exactly the talkative type, and david's asking him for a lot of that right now. not just to talk, but it's not exactly a simple and easy topic, no matter how much david might act like it is. ]
[ either way, he looks up to meet jeff's eyes, patient and listening, mostly to see if he's going to speak first or if david should go. ]
no subject
he plays the start of the conversation back in his head, when david had put himself in jeff's way so they could talk, brows pinched together a little as he tries to work out what he wants to say. ]
Shit. All right, uh. What... [ he wets his lips. ] What exactly were you asking me? You said you need to know so you're not 'you know', but. I don't... know.
[ really, that's maybe the part that's confusing him the most right now, though he's plenty confused about the rest of everything else too, really. despite posing david with a question, jeff presses forward and doesn't leave much space for him to answer right away. he drags his hand down over his beard and a little bit down his neck, another one of his subtler anxious ticks. it's not david that makes him anxious, but the possibility of saying the wrong thing. he already feels like he's fumbled once, he doesn't want to screw up twice. ]
To be, uh. Clear. I guess. I've never really done the casual thing. [ which isn't to say that he hasn't tried, it's just that it's not really him. jeff's too soft and sentimental when it comes to the people he allows himself to get close to, both romantically and platonically. and he would say he and david are decently close. he'd have said the same if asked before he got trapped under some mistletoe, too. he clears his throat quietly. ] I like - this.
[ he makes a small gesture back and forth between himself and david. ]
I, uh. Like where we are. So far. [ even if they've definitely skipped over some things and landed maybe a little ahead of themselves, like david said. he lowers his voice slightly, vaguely conscious of the possibility of being eavesdropped on. ] I like you. But if this is all a little too much, or uh. Too fast? I don't have a problem with slowing down or backing off, if that's... what you were wanting to know.
[ why does it feel like he's said absolutely nothing and gotten absolutely nowhere? christ. ]
no subject
I just wanted to make sure we're on the same page. [ a little absently, he reaches up with his free hand and tucks some of jeff's hair back while he's looking at him, smile a bit more genuine than before, small as it is. ] I wasn't asking for casual or wanting to slow down, I just--
[ he frowns suddenly, purses his lips for a moment trying to find the right way to describe it. he's a little slower when he continues, more deliberate as if he's not fully sure of what he's about to say until the words are out of his mouth, which is less like him than people might think. ]
I don't wanna get invested in something and have it be one-sided because you're not interested in that and I didn't know. That's all it was.
no subject
[ for the second time in less than five minutes, jeff feels like a little bit of an idiot - but in a way that's funny in hindsight, rather than stressful. he's not typically the kind of person to let himself spiral over minor things - and he wouldn't say he'd started to spiral here, either, not really - but when it comes to important things, he likes to get them right. he wants whatever he's doing with david to be... right. and for a moment, he'd gotten ahead of himself, thought too hard about what david was asking and maybe went a little too worst-case-scenario for a minute. assumed he was doing something wrong, or was maybe asking for too much or assuming there was something more here than there actually was.
the clarification here is a welcome relief, eases whatever anxiety was clinging to him. it's almost kind of funny, when david lays it all out. that he thinks at all that jeff might not be interested or - or invested is almost laughable, maybe only to jeff. he was telling the truth earlier, when he admitted to being attracted to david, but in david's defense, up until... the mistletoe incident, jeff had made a point of keeping any feelings he may have been developing toward david to himself. burying them in quick sketches and folded pages, in small, easily dismissed gestures - like lending him his jacket after springing him free from the saloon, or setting aside a scavenged beer for him while he was sleeping, so he wouldn't miss out. so it's not david's fault if there are some doubts, and jeff doesn't blame him.
as amusing as it is, though, jeff doesn't laugh. instead, he smiles faintly, feeling a little more reassured, and reaches out only somewhat hesitantly to touch his fingers to david's side. lets them drift a little so he can hook his index in one of his belt loops and give it a gentle little tug, not with any intention to pull david closer, but just out of a desire to be physically connected to him in some way. jeff shakes his head slightly, that ghost of a smile still lingering. ]
It's not one-sided. [ he thought that much was obvious. ] I am interested. [ he gives david's belt loop another light little tug. ] Invested.
no subject
[ for a moment he just feels overwhelmed (in a good way) by the verbal confirmation, he lets his hand trail down the outside of jeff's arm to find his hand and take it to give it a quick squeeze. so they're on the same page, they're just also idiots. that's fine by david, he can handle being a dumbass. it's another moment that has him feeling a bit like some dumb teenager, but david can live with that too. ]
[ there's a thread of anxiety there too, but that's for later, when he's on his own. he doesn't want to sour the moment by freaking out over whether or not he's gonna ruin this somehow. instead he glances back over his shoulder and moves to step away so they can get moving again. ]
no subject
when david squeezes his hand, jeff adjusts his own slightly so he can squeeze back, thumb doing a quick pass over his knuckles. it would appear that they're on the same page more than they know, because jeff knows he'll overthink this at some point when he's got time to himself. he knows he'll get in his head, wonder what he's doing to do to fuck up. it's not that his track record when it comes to relationships is bad, and he can't even really say for sure that whatever he's got with david is considered a relationship yet, if at all, but it's - important to him. david is important to him, regardless of their involvement with each other. it would be just his luck to see it all come crashing down.
but that's later's to-do list. for now, jeff watches david as he looks over his shoulder, watches him as he starts to step away. follows after him so he doesn't get too far without him, shoulder bumping his. ]